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- I was on the television today
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I was on the television today
Posted in games, random lol
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Back Page
Here are two of my favourite recent back pages from PC Zone magazine, a publication so incredible that our giant printing press in the basement is constantly getting jammed up – not with paper, but with brilliance. We have to stick a broom handle in and jiggle it about until all the brilliance flies out at once, killing several of the soot-faced children who operate and maintain the printing press. Anyway, here’s the first one from issue 206, which was inspired by PEGI’s good gaming guide (PDF link):
Click it for bigs.
And here’s another one from issue 207, which is all about Max Payne and his hard day:
It makes bigger with a click.
The one in issue 209 of PC Zone (out June 10th) is also good, so you might want to think about buying it ten thousand times please.
Posted in games, random lol
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The Apprentice: Lyrics
Dear BBC,
On the way to work this morning I thought of some lyrics for the excellent TV show “The Apprentice”, with Alan Sugar. I wrote them down so as not to forget them.
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‘I am in a helicopter flying over Lon-don,
Can you see my helicopter it is over here,
Wake up in the morning, I’ll set you a task
If you fail the task I set, you will be fired.’
REPEAT
Regards,
Steve
Posted in an idea for television
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Hello, I Ran in a Cock Shape
Using the iPhone’s cutting edge GPS capabilities, coupled with a clever piece of software that tracks your jogging route, I’ve managed to run in a great big penis shape. Sort of. It’s in profile, you see. Those are the testicles there. Shut up.
Despite what you hear on the news there are very few roads that join together in such a way as to create a believable cock shape. It was hard work finding one nearby.
Here’s that shape again. Does it look like a cock shape yet? I know I know, the glans is upside-down. There really wasn’t much I could do about that.
I burned 182 calories running in a cock shape. Next month, I hike in the shape of a pair of breasts.
Posted in charts, random lol
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Coffee Theory
I hypothesise that the less money you have or the more debt you are in, the more the deliciousness of a coffee beverage increases. I did an experiment and here’s the graph of it:
The results are obvious. Queen Victoria is very rich and so her coffee would taste pretty awful.
Meanwhile another Vic, Sir Victor Blank, Chairman of Lloyds Banking Group who in my very limited understanding of the recession has MINUS A BILLION POUNDS, would have some very lovely coffee indeed!
Posted in charts, random lol
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Create Your Own Obama Mask!
Don’t pay through the nose for one of those fancy-pants Barack Obama masks they’re hawking at that inauguration of his. You can make your own out of a few simple household items! And I’ll show you how!
YOU WILL NEED:
- Plain sheet of A4 paper
- Felt-tip pens
- A length of string
- A pair of scissors
- Inauguration hat
Posted in random lol
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Morgan Fairchild
So this guy from Wikipedia emailed me to ask if he could use a photo of Morgan Fairchild I’d taken. He wanted to use it to illustrate the Morgan Fairchild entry on Wikipedia. Next thing I know my photo of Morgan Fairchild is Morgan Fairchilding it up on the Morgan Fairchild page! Morgan Fairchild!
Something to put on the CV isn’t it.
Posted in random lol
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Microsoft Songsmith
Have you seen Songsmith yet? It’s the hit new product from Microsoft. You sing words at your PC, which then takes your words and wraps musical chords around them like some sort of lyrical papoose. You can sing ANYTHING into it, and it’ll make a song!
Note: this Youtube video is rated S for songtastic.
I’ve already whispered two songs into my Sony Eyetoy! I didn’t want my flatmate to hear me, but I think he did. Anyway, they’re far better than the songs you hear in the advertisement. The first song is called Doo Be Doo (I Love You), a short jazzy number with a bit of a kickin’ swing to it. I incorporate a singing style called ‘scat’, so don’t be alarmed.
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My second single is called Chum Chum Chum Chum Chum (Break It Down). Here you’ll find I’m bridging the genre divide between blues and rhythm, and towards the end I make an explosion noise with my face.
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Please support the music industry by not listening to my songs.
Posted in random lol
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How Long Must We Wait?
A quiz! After 2009, how many years must the following people wait until they can safely resume wearing comical novelty spectacles shaped like the name of the year they’re in? To specify, ‘safely’ in this case means that the people wearing the funny glasses are putting themselves at no greater risk than they would normally be in. We’re also assuming that to have anything other than a zero in front of your eye is probably dangerous. To reveal the answer, simply hover your mouse cursor over the image until the alternate text appears!
Posted in random lol
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